I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
