guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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