i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
