My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
