Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
