My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
