Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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