the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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