How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
