Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
