Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
