..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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