The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
