you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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