Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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