Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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