well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
