I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My ass is underappreciated
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