i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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