Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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