GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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