Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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