I skipped work to stalk him.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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