i can't believe i had my finger in that
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
