I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
