We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
