Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
