Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
