I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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