wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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