You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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