hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
