Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My feet surprised me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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