I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
