Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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