um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
