The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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