there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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