did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
