I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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