I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
