my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
