It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
