I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
