i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
