Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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