I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
