Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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