you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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