I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
